Celebrity Sighting

Dear Diary,

Today Sircracksolot brought his girlfriend Duchessgranniepant to the gym. I literally burst out in laughter when they walked in. They are like a wannabe Kid Rock and Pam Anderson... He walks around the gym posing like a weight lifter. And she spent the whole time tanning. I wanted to belt out some Bawitdaba! I thought doing so would blow my cover so I refrained.

The one very perplexing thing about Duchessgranniepant is that unlike her boyfriend, who by the way was wearing multiple gold chains, her skivvies were extra large. She has sporting hot pink roos on which she pulled up higher than her pants. And for extra emphasis she tied the back of her shirt into a knot. I do not think Pam would do this but like I said they are wannabes. Most likely entry level wannabes.

Where the sidewalk ends

Dear Diary,

Today I went to the gym. It was a regular day of people watching, cardio, and weight lifting. Oh and a little Sportscenter and CNN. All the regular gym activities. I was successfully watching the woman put makeup on in the car before entering the gym. As if mascara makes for a better workout. The Anorexic Woman in all pink which amounted to perhaps one candy stripe. The Chatty Cathy with her Diet Coke. No need to comment there. But then, when I was least expecting it, Sirlotsocrack came into eye sight. I people watch at the gym, I do not deny or make excuses for said activity. However, in this particular instance, I was not seeking out person to watch. He stepped right in front of me, bent over, remained bent, and let pants slip below waist line, and Hello crack! It happens to the best of us. However when planning to go to the gym, who wears pants that way? And he was clearly planning to go the gym; sleeveless tank, track pants, sneakers, tattooed arms. Yes - that guy! But with bum crack. I rapidly picked up the pace of reps to skirt the mounting laughter inside. However, if I had to estimate, I would say he was bent over with bum crack exposed for at least two full minutes. Diary I am now haunted by this image. Hopefully tomorrow I will only see Makeup Woman, Anorexic Woman, and Chatty Cathy!

The Size Issue

Dear Diary,

I have been told I am a small person, and while I would like to think I am of average size, apparently some parts of me are indeed small. Last summer I had the unpleasant experience of bra shopping. I went to a local store only to find that the only bras the store carried in my size were covered with Hannah Montana's face! Now I realize I am not the chestiest person (okay I am not chesty at all but that is not my point). My point is that I find it absolutely absurd for Hannah Montana to be on any underwear period. Woman's underwear should be for women, not for teeny boppers hitting early puberty. Needless to say I was irate, had a small spat with the underwear hanger, and immediately left the store. As I recall I went straight to the gym to work out my new found hatred of Hannah Montana.

I thought my small size issue was limited to undergarments. And I was willing to accept this. Okay willing and acceptance are a stretch. How about I was going to tolerate the existence of said awful bras in the world since I did not find anything remotely as heinous at VS. To my unfortunate surprise, the sizing issue also extends to garden gloves. Now this might seem trivial but I assure you, it is not. You can not go pulling weeds or moving bricks if your gloves fall off. So I cruised my local hardware store for a new pair of gloves. Woman's gloves come as a one size fits all and extra large. Now what little old granny do you know that has man hands?! The option for small, the ONLY option, was Dora the Explorer. Don't get me wrong, these are very cute gloves if you are four or five. But I am not. I do not think it is too much to ask for a non-character option to be offered in the smaller sized items.

The only way this situation could get worse is if I found Miley Cyrus on my beers!

School Bus

Dear Diary,

What do you call it when a school bus doesn't stop for a pedestrian, at a cross walk, in a school zone???

Airplane Etiquette... for the Midwest

Dear Diary,

During some recent travels I witnessed something very strange. I have traveled quite a bit and seem some strange things. But this made me snort out loud...that says a lot. As a general rule, when people need to get up while aboard an airplane and they are in the window seat, the rest of their aisle gets up so they can get out. Generally when this happens, the window seat person will side step out of the row. However, in the Midwest this is not the case. Said window seat person needed out of his row. The two other people got out of their seats and moved out of his way. Window Seat then stepped onto the newly emptied seats and walked across them to get out. Not only was this bizarre but it was not graceful in the slightest. I thought this rather odd but was fully enthralled in my book so I figured he might have tripped or something. However when he returned to his row and his fellow travelers got out of their seats for him he did the same thing! This time, even more awkwardly (if this is possible), he staggered over the seats crashing into the row in front of him and barely clearing the overhead compartments. At this point I was staring and laughing so loudly that I could hear myself over my sound reduction headphones. Then the snorting began. It was the sort of scene from a movie you would rewind and watch over and over again it was so funny.

I can only hope the people in his row were not traveling with him. Or sense enough not to go in public with him again after this trip!

Great Day for a Bike Ride

Dear Diary,

The weather was beautiful today. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping. I thought it would be a great day to go for a bike ride. So I pulled my bike out of the garage, my boom-box from the shelf, and off I went. I was so overwhelmed with the great weather that I decided to stop riding my bike and take it all in. When I got off my bike and turned on some tunes, I felt a little warm. So I decided to take my shirt off and use it as a blanket so I could lay down next to the road and relax. I thought other people would like to hear some music so I turned my boom-box up. It was a great day.

Oh wait... that wasn't me! That was the guy I saw across from the gym. But as far as I can tell, that was the narrative that was in his head! It probably was not the only narrative in his head.

Personal Space

Dear Diary,

I was flying on a plane today and realized I might have severe OCD issues when it comes to personal space! I know what you are thinking... this is not shocking news but do tell. I was sitting on the plane crammed in like cattle, ironically so since the flight was from the Midwest. Speaking of the Midwest, the people there are odd and do not know how to dress. Or how to condition their hair. It's all very confusing to me but I get off the topic. So it occurred to me that my personal space bubble was being rubbed up against, and not in a good way. I had two choices, I could ask the woman next to me to move so I could pull the arm rest down to create a barrier or I could suffer through the grotesque invasion of personal space. The first option was most appealing and set very clear boundaries but the latter was more of a challenge. The flight was after all three hours, thirty two minutes and five seconds long. I chose the latter of the two as a challenge to myself but I also put the arm rest down on the other side of myself for comfort. Ahh the security.